Saturday, July 4, 2009

How I Get My Radiant Summer Glow

Today I look darn good. My face is shining, my hair is staying firmly in place, and my skin is an unusual shade - not exactly bronze, more like Southern Oregon red clay. You too can get this amazing look if you follow these simple steps:
1. The Location
Find the perfect place to spend the next few days for your various summer treatments. I chose a charming establishment called Willow Lake. Sounds serene doesn't it? Make sure your surroundings are natural and organic. The presence of a lot of dirt, rocks, campfire ashes, and flying insects is crucial. And may I suggest consuming a bug once in a while, if you are lucky, a gnat looks like some ground pepper and you don't even notice the difference.

Begin your summer spa treatments with a good dirt bath. Really grind it in!

2. Sleep Deprivation
To properly appreciate a good night's sleep, you must be deprived of it once and a while. My recommendation is to find neighbors who like to blast Run DMC and Country Rock at 10:00 pm. It also helps if they have been drinking all day long to extend the enjoyment of listening to profanity, yelling and loud bodily functions. Disrespect and booze is a winning combination! Then, it's a must to wake up at 7:00 am to seek out another location to allow the relaxing to begin. A hammock is the perfect place to kick back and breath in the fresh mountain air.

Swinging in a hammock helps to take your cares away and is perfect for a good snuggle.

3. Aromatherapy

If mountain air tends be too fresh, it is good to inhale a healthy portion of campfire smoke once in a while. It makes the eyes water, resulting in the necessary removal of contact lenses. Coughing and hacking is bound to occur, as is the persistent aroma of burning juniper that permeates your clothing, hair and sleeping bags.

4. Hydrotherapy

It's no secret that water is important for our well being. After all, our bodies are made up of 70% water. A morning row in the canoe is good for the body and spirit. Build strong arm muscles while taking in the glory of God's creation. Next - and this is most important - drift lazily upon a glassy lake on a giant inflatable killer whale. Take in the views of Mt. McLaughlin, the dragonflies, and the many sunbathers who let their suits sag below the Equator (if you know what I mean!)

This charming couple (who look an awful lot like my in-laws) demonstrate proper canoing techniques.

There is no dignified way to ride an inflatable orca.

5. Skin Treatments

Why people like take a shower every day is beyond me. It's amazing how skin looks after days without a shower and the buildup of sweat, sunscreen and dirt. Scraping your knees on lava rocks and getting gravel down your pants is good for you - it called exfoliation. And don't forget to allow the oils to build up in your scalp, it keeps hair healthy and is the perfect husband repellent.

"What? And? Yeah I'm getting filthy ... it's my job!"


Jodiferkay said...

Only YOU could make riding an inflatable Orca look glamorous! That takes a talent you should be proud of!

Journeying Five said...

great post, definately wasn't what i thought it was going to be when i saw the title! hilarous!

Zil said...

I snorted my coffee seeing you on that orca!

PeePaw said...

Now that is my kind of vacation ... I particularly like the hammock. I can do without flying insects. We have plenty in our back yard thank you very much!